Celebration of forgiveness

11

21 April 2017 by Miss Andi

It’s not vis major, it’s just life.

It appears there is only so much I can cram into a day and as it turns out, blogging is not actually the highest on my priority list at the moment. Just like my “facing fears” initiative isn’t either.

And I let it go.

There’s not gonna be beating myself up about. Not gonna stress over the fact that I paid more than I can afford for that “courage program” that I’m not using enough now. Not gonna feel like a failure for not finishing the A to Z. Not even going to feel like a bad person for not visiting all the lovely blogs that keep churning out fascinating stories as part of their own A to Z challenge.

In the past I would’ve done all that. It would’ve been another indication that I’m not good enough and I would’ve felt it pushing me down further into the darkness with its weight added onto my back. And to get out of that hole, I would’ve started the “blame game”: I was given too many clients at work, the weather makes them crazy, the courage program is not designed to help me enough, the A to Z is just impossible when I have so many other commitments, time is just never enough. You know the drill. I’m sure we’ve all done that before.

Oh believe me, it’s tempting. Talking about it now, I know it would be easy to follow that frequently walked path. But I also understand it’s now just the attraction of the familiar. Because however surprising it is for me, it’s not what I feel in my bones.

It’s not my head but my actual gut that tells me I don’t want to play the blame game any more, either inward or outward. While my head is struggling to understand the how, I can feel it in every part of my body that I am accepting with full forgiveness that I did not finish the A to Z this time. Focusing on the sensation, it becomes real with every breath.

You know how that feels? I am free.

Free of guilt, shame, doubt and darkness. I can now fly where the wind takes me because if I change course, I can still enjoy the air under my wings, the sun on my face, the spectacular view of life around me.

My previous decisions don’t lock me into any set course any more. I can leave them behind without feeling it was a mistake to start them.

This is what I’ve been craving as long as I can remember: absolute freedom. Nothing weighing me down any more. The only thing there is, would be the joy of flying.

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Picture from shximal.com

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Celebration of forgiveness

  1. Good for you, Andi. There’s no rule that says “you must” do this or think that way … do what feels right & comfortable, and if you’re happy with it that’s all that matters.

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  2. QP and Eye says:

    I missed you Andi and now I know why. However, I am pleased you put together this beautiful piece of writing – straight from your heart. It is authentic and touches my heart that you have been vulnerable and brave and trusting enough of us, your readers, to glimpse inside your life and share in the struggles facing you. I am following your blog so know that Iwon’t miss future posts when you are ready. As for not completing the A-Z Challenge – you know what, there is always next year when things will be different for you. Be proud that you know yourself well enough to know when it is time to press pause. I think it shows insight and I applaud you once more. Take care of your precious self 🙂 Linda

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  3. scr4pl80 says:

    I got behind on the challenge as well, my last post was for N. I am going to finish and just post them late. Good for you for not letting the overwhelm overwhelm you! Next year I will be more prepared. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts, whenever you’ve felt able to write them. Courage on!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. John Holton says:

    “Man plans, God laughs.” Maybe next year.

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  5. Marie says:

    I have enjoyed reading all of your A-Z posts! The challenge is something to be enjoyed whether it is for every letter or just select letters. I hope to see more of your blog post in the future. – Marie The Articulate Image

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  6. I’ve also let go of a few things over the past few years and it really is a release. If something isn’t adding anything positive to life, it’s not worth it.

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  7. Geraint Isitt says:

    Do things at your own pace and time and you will be better for it

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  8. saracsnider says:

    Good for you! I still struggle with guilt should I fail to follow through on a commitment (and other things). I struggle not to, but it’s not easy. I look forward to the day my gut will let me leave it in the past. I do feel like I’ll get there, eventually. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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