It’s not vis major, it’s just life.
It appears there is only so much I can cram into a day and as it turns out, blogging is not actually the highest on my priority list at the moment. Just like my “facing fears” initiative isn’t either.
And I let it go.
There’s not gonna be beating myself up about. Not gonna stress over the fact that I paid more than I can afford for that “courage program” that I’m not using enough now. Not gonna feel like a failure for not finishing the A to Z. Not even going to feel like a bad person for not visiting all the lovely blogs that keep churning out fascinating stories as part of their own A to Z challenge.
In the past I would’ve done all that. It would’ve been another indication that I’m not good enough and I would’ve felt it pushing me down further into the darkness with its weight added onto my back. And to get out of that hole, I would’ve started the “blame game”: I was given too many clients at work, the weather makes them crazy, the courage program is not designed to help me enough, the A to Z is just impossible when I have so many other commitments, time is just never enough. You know the drill. I’m sure we’ve all done that before.
Oh believe me, it’s tempting. Talking about it now, I know it would be easy to follow that frequently walked path. But I also understand it’s now just the attraction of the familiar. Because however surprising it is for me, it’s not what I feel in my bones.
It’s not my head but my actual gut that tells me I don’t want to play the blame game any more, either inward or outward. While my head is struggling to understand the how, I can feel it in every part of my body that I am accepting with full forgiveness that I did not finish the A to Z this time. Focusing on the sensation, it becomes real with every breath.
You know how that feels? I am free.
Free of guilt, shame, doubt and darkness. I can now fly where the wind takes me because if I change course, I can still enjoy the air under my wings, the sun on my face, the spectacular view of life around me.
My previous decisions don’t lock me into any set course any more. I can leave them behind without feeling it was a mistake to start them.
This is what I’ve been craving as long as I can remember: absolute freedom. Nothing weighing me down any more. The only thing there is, would be the joy of flying.