It is often I wish I were invisible. Not for the superhero or curiosity reason – simply because it would be the ultimate hiding. It’s hard for me when people see me – I always think they judge me, and I always concur that it’s with good reason. (Nobody is as hard on me as I am on myself.)
During the commute I always agonise that I take more space than your average traveller. I feel like I don’t have the right to do so because I am taking it away from someone else. I feel like everyone around me is looking at me thinking the same.
When I have to speak in a group setting, even if I know it’s important, useful, I feel the others’ eyes on me judging how I dress, how I speak, my pronunciation, my manner, my personality. Therefore I do what I can to avoid these situations. I make myself quiet, try to blend in wearing black (grey, brown) not to call attention to myself.
But what does this approach achieve? I won’t be smaller, I won’t be more native, I won’t be more beautiful no matter how much I wish. I cannot hide from people. Nor should I want to. I have just as much right to be here, to take up the space, time as anyone else.
It won’t change who I am if people see me. Even if they love me, even if they hate me, I’m still the same Andi. That’s the only thing I can and should be. Watch me this week doing exactly that.
- Sharing how I feel with my family
- Standing out with a bright hair colour
- Being open about what I eat
- Spoken word video
- Extreme honesty
In the meantime, I’d love to know if you ever have the same feeling. Do you ever shy away from being seen?
As part of the A to Z challenge I take daily challenges in real life in order to expand my comfort zone working with a specific type of fear every week. This week it’s all about the fear of being seen. The results, lessons are presented for you lovingly and honestly, hope you’ll come along!