23 January 2017 by Miss Andi
At first sight Fear is not just a bitch but an attention-seeking one at that. It’s egotistic, consuming and burns up everything.
But what is it really? What am I actually afraid of?
- I’m afraid of being laughed at. I don’t want people to look at me and find it ridiculous.
- Being judged. I also don’t want to be seen and judged. “Look at that fatso.”
- Disliked. I’m afraid if I open up, people won’t like who I am.
- Rejected. I’m terrified to make connections, to get to like someone who doesn’t like me in return.
Fear warns me of the pain these situations would cause. It wants to protect me but in return it throttles me. I’m like a caged bird (no, really) and by locking me up, fear deprives me of the sunshine that would keep me alive.
I don’t doubt it’s got good intentions. We fear the fire because it can kill us. We fear heights because if we fall, again, it can kill us.
But then my fear got overzealous. Would being laughed at kill me? Sure, it would hurt, it would be uncomfortable but I would survive. Isn’t it natural that some people will dislike me? Don’t people always make judgements at each other, fat or not?
I love fear for loving me so much that it wants to protect me from all kinds of hurt. I want to use this love to let go of each other. As they say, if you really love someone, let them go. I need air, freedom to soar and not be tied into a cell, no matter how safe it is.
Fear isn’t a bitch after all: it’s an overprotective lover who wants only good for me. I just need to prove it that I can take a little pain in order to grow.